The Worst A Man Can Get

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades. "

Funny? I'll show you funny. Paying as much as a motel used to cost for four blades in a thick plastic bed with a fifth spot empty so the oligarchy can squeeze a few mills out of the millions. In a package that is designed to be unopenable without a sharp knife to cut through the thick plastic that encloses these precious blades. The ratio between the product and the package is about 20 to one. For this I have paid Roger Federer and his one time friends millions to convince me that this is the best I can get. This is capitalism. An oligarchy that makes much the same products, packages them in a desecratory manner and dumps them onto racks in stores designed to function mainly as shopping factories. But don't mind me. I also think a toothpick is reusable.

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